It’s getting crafty in the lockdown house.
Elaine wondered if it was the lockdown effect or had she not simply accepted middle age, but embraced with both arms flung out with excitement, a glue gun and an armful of craft supplies.
Elaine had always been a bit crafty and creative as Yorkshire Hollywood could vouch. Some of her colour schemes had been dubious over the years that time she did the living room orange and lime green. She loved that room and wasn’t best pleased when she returned from a weekend away to find he had changed the colours to “brighten it up” yet ensured it had been calmed down.
The Things You Do For Love!
Yorkshire Hollywood reflected it really must have been love at first sight as during the early months of their courtship he was known to wear in public and even nightclubs the shirts she made for him with her brand new sewing machine. Elaine would make her clothes and some of them were ‘creative’ to say the least. It was the 80’s after all and so there were ruffles, shoulder pads and big patterns everywhere. Alas, that machine died and went to the great big scrap heap in the sky, shortly after it had contributed to the making of Elaine’s wedding dress and seven yes seven bridesmaids’ dresses and rag dolls to match.
Elaine drifted into the 90’s buying clothes from the high street and gifting her shoulder pads to the local animal shelter for bedding.
But lockdown or middle age has put paid to that as Elaine took a leaf out of Yorkshire Hollywood’s book and did a bit of that internet shopping. She searched and found just what she had been yearning for since those heady days of the ’80s.
Was it too good to be true as this machine was available on next day delivery and it was new, shiny and did so many tricks she wondered if she could wait a whole 12 hours to unwrap it and unearth the cool shiny exteria. Elaine could not believe her eyes as she glanced at the improvements since the last time she had been in the market for one. They were pretty now patterns on the outside and also self- explanatory no wading through a manual the size of sewing for dummies. She knew this would be a case of flick the switch on and off we go.
Yorkshire Hollywood who did listen intently to his wife at all times especially when internet shopping felt that familiar feeling return from his twenties. Would he be expected to wear her creations again? Surely 31 years of marriage was enough to prove his love and he wouldn’t have to wear her home made shirts again with soft collars and those wide sleeves. Maybe he could cope with wearing one at the allotment and he gave a silent prayer of thanks that going ‘out out’ was no longer an option.
The Return of Dan The Man
That familiar knock on the door and it was Dan their faithful delivery man. Elaine felt like she knew him and should offer a coffee or at least ask how his wife and kids were – but you know social distancing and all that. Plus she was just too excited. Before she had even closed the door she gave out a whoop of joy and excitement. Yorkshire Hollywood rolled his eyes and Dan did a little skip as he headed towards his van. He loved his job.
Elaine ripped open the package with excitement. Yorkshire Hollywood looked on. She glanced up at him. “Now I know how excited you were when you got your new blender.”
It was here she felt 18 again and headed upstairs to the sack with the clothes waiting for the charity shops to re-open. Pulling out her favourite jeans that her womanly thighs had burst through the seams and an old T-shirt she began to cut and trim and pin and tuck.
Within an hour she had pimped up her old jeans and they were now up-cycled and given the new title of ‘allotment jeans’ complete with extra strong patches for the womanly thighs, an applique heart on the back left pocket and a teeny tiny detail on the front pocket. In reality, no one would ever see the teeny tiny detail on the front because you know, the muffin top. But she was delighted that she had taken to her old skill with the sewing machine like the proverbial duck to water and muttered something about it being like learning to ride a bike.
Yorkshire Hollywood was not so sure she would have the same success should she revisit her other childhood love of horse-riding.
Elaine likes to compare herself to celebrities and has a celeb twinnie in Kyle Minogue. The reason being they are loosely the same age and Elaine used to love watching neighbours, she is sure she would have rocked the gold hot pants had they been available in her size and even though Yorkshire Hollywood had dark shaved and spiked hair back in the day she is sure they were like the British Kylie and Jason. Alas, the comparisons cannot last forever as you know, time moves on and some global megastars can still fit in their hot pants. Elaine could not remember the last time she wore gold hot pants or make up for that matter so maybe a new celeb comparison should be found.
She had often been likened to Sarah Millican – A comparison Elaine was ok with she was down to earth, funny and wore glasses. However, there was the age and buxom boob thing that were against that celeb twin match. Plus she is not so sure Sarah would like to get down and dirty on the allotment or be quite as comfortable as Elaine behind the sewing machine. Give her a glue gun and that could be the next script for her show.
As a twenty-something Charlie Dimmock was hot stuff in the garden and Elaine was now partial to digging and planting and not afraid to lift the odd paving slab- Maybe Charlie Dimmock could be the new celeb twinnie? The comparisons were tangible mid-life had not been kind to either waistline, although Charlies locks were still longer and more luscious, and again the boob thing didn’t work out.
There was only one name that could fit the comparison Barbara Good. From the Good Life. She was young, creative, made her own clothes and those of her husband Tom (be afraid Yorkshire be very afraid), was a little bit funny and not afraid to get down and dirty in the garden.
Elaine is claiming artistic discretion here choosing her new celeb twin as the character from the 70’s yes the 1970’s.
Because Kylie is so 1980’s.