Today I share a guest post from a beautiful young lady. She is a talented photographer and I have recently discovered has a way of putting words down that can be understood across the generations. Her posts are about her life, her photographs and her living with stress, teen depression, mental illness, low mood or what ever is the buzz word for describing this condition that the majority of teens live with in the UK.
Provides a candid insight into the life of a teen in this big, bad old world we reside.
I hope it makes you think.
I started to write as a release. To take my mind off of everything that was falling apart in my head, it was a good plan at first as I started to feel better about myself. By expressing everything in a photo or two but it seems I took a wrong turn somewhere and now I write everything in to a dark and depressing voice that I can’t escape from if I actually bother to write at all. I always thought from the start that my blog would be happy and full of beauty that is surprising the world in turn making me a reflection of this. In fact my writing has become a reflection of myself something with no direction and outburst of emotional change from post to post. Which can be extremely hard to follow and even worse to gather a theme or even make it to the end of a post without losing my motivation to write something of power.
I struggle to think happy thoughts never mind write them down to motivate other people or inspire them in such a way I see so many people close to me do which . I’ve spent the past few years of my life been constantly reminded to think of yellow by the closest people to me and looking for inspiring quotes and pretty pictures to take my mind off of all the bad that I seem to see in myself.
Thinking yellow was something my hero of a mum brewed up for me after she saw I was struggling and noticed the endless teary faces that seemed to become a natural expression on her once chubby, washing machine obsessed toddler. The first time I was told to think of yellow it made me smile, maybe because it was cringey or maybe because the colour was actually something that could make me smile. (highly doubting the second, mardy teen syndrome has been apart of me since I turned 11)
It’s a colour I’ve always loved since I was aware that colours were a thing, seems a natural assurance when it was splashed on my bedroom walls, all I could see for the first few years of my life and has followed me since. Unfortunately I lost this flare a while ago and I seem to struggle to see the ‘Yellow’ in the world. Although many people believe I still have that very flare and have the yellow back upon me or maybe I’ve just got good at drawing on my happy eyes.
I wonder what my yellow thinking would be and what on earth could make me as happy as I was sat in front of a washing machine. I know I have something that makes me as happy as yellow it’s the discovering that will always be the hard part because I know it’s not going to last long when I eventually catch up with it. I understand it’s like a spark an exciting shot of warm but it’s always only a split second that it can last before something falls down the mountain we call life, its a never ending battle that we face to be content or even “yellow” and I long for that to come. I’m tired of being unable to chase my dreams while I can because I don’t have the confidence to manage the weight it’ll no doubt put on my self conscious shoulders.
When you struggle being happy, I find the only way to make it through is to strive for goals, something to reach for which can have positive and negative effects because of the simple fact of building work load and inner hatred for not succeeded the simple goals that are set. Which I seem to struggle with weekly as I set myself up for a motivational loss but this has helped me because I have pushed myself in to photography and discovered something I love and so desperately love I can create something beautiful in the ending of this.
It takes a while to find your “yellow” and everyone knows the “yellowness” doesn’t life much long than a load in the wash. It’s temporary like everything else in the world. Nothing is for sure and that can be the excitement of the world and the reason to stay walking on it. It’s a hard place but everyone has a small piece of “yellow” don’t they even if it doesn’t last as long as others we all have something it’s a fair few that have to dig deeper to find their “yellow”.
For now I see my life in black and white and that’s OK,
because I’m still searching no matter how many times I’ve wanted to give up.